Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Labor Day started so we all could get unbeatable prices on mattresses.

   In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.

   he told me he likes it rough so I crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed

   “That’s herpes” -my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.

   I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.

   Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!

   If you're ever wondering who your real Facebook friends are. Delete your account and see who calls....

   My wife asked me the other day if I had seen the dog bowl. I replied, I didn’t know he did that.

   I told my wife she has to embrace her mistakes. So she hugged me.

   Soft tacos are just tiny burritos with a sun roof.

   Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?

   My girl said someone is trying to get into the house, should I call 911 ? I said no call 811. Why? Cause you always call miss Dig before digging a hole!

   If the employee parking lot is full, you should get to go back home.

   If you think you're having a bad day, just remember, someone is gonna have Snooki as their mom.

   Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded woman.

   Have you seen my thumb ring?" ~ my proctologist

   How many coworkers have to ask you "what's that pee smell" before you have to admit you're wearing a new cologne?

   A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge says, "First offender?" She says, No, first a Gibson, then a Fender

   I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.

   It's taken 66 years for me to realize two things: Pizza and steak are overrated.