Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Exercise programme: Take one Weetabix. Take an Aero chocolate bar.Crumble the Aero over the Weetabix. Voila. Aerobix.

   now currently accepting resumes for a Full and/or Part time girlfriend. All applicants may apply within. You will be contacted with a call back if you meet the appropriate requirements. Thank you

   I'm like a rubix cube the more you play with me the harder I get!!

   I was shopping with my little niece. She asked if we could go to McDonalds. I joked "If you can spell it,we will go there." She then replied "Nevermind. Let's go to KFC instead."

   to advertise in this space please call 0800 334 443

   5lb cell phone, 10lb gold chain & 120lb boom box...no wonder 80's kids now have back problems.

   says that when I asked my wife why she needed to buy so many shoes, she pointed out to me that Cinderella is living proof that shoes CAN change your life!..

   wondering....Do the Fox sponsored "tea party" sheeple understand why we all laugh at them when they call themselves the "teabagers"?

   Today, while running on the treadmill at the gym, the girl next to me slipped and went flying back against the wall. Indecisive whether to get off and help her or to just keep going, I lost my focus and footing and flew next to her. FML

   JUST MADE A TEAR GAS FROM BAKED BEANS AND ONIONS..

   Recession: when your neighbor loses his job. Depression: when you lose your job. Recovery: when Gordon Brown loses his job.

   Buck you fuddy, and your whole dod gam family! Why don't you go backoff in your own jackyard and see ho your fussy peels?

   "In a recent study, the United States was ranked the 114th happiest country in the world. Then Sarah Palin stepped down. Now we're at 17."

   hates when his cat thinks outside the box!

   Went To The Library To Get A "Wheres Waldo" Book, But When I Got There I Couldn't Find It...Well Played, Waldo. Well Played.

   misses the kindergarten days where naps were required, snacks were given, and when a boy pushed you in the sandbox it means "I like you"

   Just saw a Comercial were they made snuggies for dogs....What has the world come too?

   Wondering If Adam and Eve had belly buttons....

   ¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ

   Top Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked "do you have any firearms with you?" do not reply "what do you need?"