Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   doesn't want a happy ending... that implies something has to end. I want a fantastic right now! :D

   would be unstoppable if she could just get started.

   letting everyone know in advance that I want something shiny that will go from 0 to 120 in 3 seconds for Christmas... and bathroom scales WILL NOT be accepted.

   in a relationship with Maxwell House. It's complicated.

   hosting a seminar with noted Theoretical Physicist, Stephen Hawking. The subject of the seminar is TIME TRAVEL with emphasis on theorems regarding singularities in the framework of general relativity. Please RSVP. Our first meeting will be last week.

   just passed a Liopleurodon on her way to Candy Mountain.

   so adjective, she verbs nouns

   contemplating the beauty of the earth and finding reserves of strength, despite the knowledge that Humans are stupid creatures.

   I remember when vampires were scary, and not some twink with six-pack abs.

   Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 7. He replied "I still love Vista, baby".

   After much thought and careful consideration, I have come up with a solution to Afghanistan. Instead of sending 40,000 more troops, let's send 40,000 bears.They will naturally migrate to the caves and eat the terrorists hiding out there.Problem Solved!

   nobody. NOBODY is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect. So there. Logic and reasoning win again.

   Why in the hell do I have to press 1 for English and be left on hold for ten minutes to ultimately speak to someone who can't speak English…….someone please explain this….

   Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

   Life is painful, nasty and short... in my case it has only been painful and nasty.

   quietly confident about his latest 'get rich quick' scheme

   just became the president of A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.- All American Association Against Acronym And Abbreviation Abuse Anonymous

   I've been thinking... If poison goes out of date, does it become more or less deadly?

   you be Burger King, I'll be McDonald's, you'll have it your way,and i'll be lovin it!

   whispering sweet nothings in your boyfriends ear...as we speak