Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me? Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

   god is a myth created by those who need someone to blame

   THANK GOD THEY FOUND BALLOON BOY! THOUGHT MICHAEL JACKSON WAS ORDERING TAKE OUT FROM HEAVEN.

   Messin with Sasquatch

   I want to work at a day spa, I bet I could give a hell of a facial!

   Your're born, you live, you die, figure out whatever the hell you want to do in between...

   Karma is my religon and Earl Hickey is my god =D

   some people leave the "smart" out of smartass!

   You can't have manslaughter without laughter!

   stole this status from a homeless guy, why he had a status that says this, I'll never know!

   Don't act sexist! B$tches hate that!

   could tell his parents hated him... his bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

   drinks too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

   ...When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

   wants to remind everyone it's not the size of the boat... Or the motion of the ocean, but the whether the boat is able to stay in port until all passangers have gotten off!!!

   They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak

   A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.

   hates it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic

   thinks "romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits

   tonight, alcohol would be proud of me