Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes, I wish emails from my family had an *unsubscribe* button at the bottom.

   just risked a car accident to type this

   feels like I am at a crossroad. I know you should take the road less traveled... but then who do you hang out with?

   Hitch hikers don't find it as amusing as I do when I give them the thumbs up as I drive by.

   If I were an animal, I'd eat vegetarians

   thinks that they should change the name of Starbucks to Fivebucks

   If this was 1999, would you have ever thought 10 years from now you could sit on the toilet while updating your facebook status???

   wondering if my bed was a circle would I still wake up on the wrong side of the bed?

   wondering why is there someone in the fitting room at Macy's shouting "we're all out of toilet paper!!"

   thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.

   .............ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

   is it just me or does anybody else miss the days when music on the radio sounded good, made sense, and actually required talent to make?????

   if you ever feel bad or depressed, just remember you were once the fastest most victorious sperm in the bunch!!

   It's weekend! So drink triple.. see double.. act single!

   thought "John & Kate Plus 8" sounded like a porno-- Now, definitely, "Kate Plus 8" really sounds like one.

   wondering who is gonna bring me my check now that Ed McMahan is gone ?

   having a facebook moment!

   .. lost my mood ring, I don't know how I feel about this.

   wanted a motorcycle when he left school, but his mother said no. She had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18..... So she said I could just have his.

   I always give 100% at work:13% Monday 22% Tuesday 26% Wednesday