Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   consulting the "magic 8-ball" for al decisions today!

   so manly not even his sentences have periods

   the problem with being punctual is that there is rarely anyone there to appreciate it

   just got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with... "according to the prophecy"

   wants to know whats up with girls and big-ass sunglasses. You don't pollinate flowering plants.

   Hang on a sec, I'm about this close to getting the hi-score on Donkey Kong!!

   Laugh…and the world laughs with you. Laugh hysterically, for no apparent reason, and they'll leave you alone.

   Tommorow I am going to finish every conversation with "ACCORDING TO THE PROPHECIES"

   just dropped skittles in the toilet and flushed....... it was like a 10 second Nascar race

   "the greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source." – George Washington

   Thinks it's funny to watch people who drive Hummers, swerve to avoid potholes

   If you don't like gay people... blame the str8 people...they're the ones who keep having gay babies.

   went to a baseball game yesterday with my new girlfriend. We played a game where I would kiss her on the strikes, and she would kiss me on the...

   at the Video Music Awards on her mobile ...ihg32h9gj0fk0kfkkkkkkfmmnnn273fbf111... ...FOR F*** SAKE KANYE LET GO OF THE KEYBOARD!

   refuses to get his pizza from Pappa Johns anymore after finding out what he did to Mackenzie Phllips

   asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

   Two guys came knocking at my door once and said: "We want to talk to you about Jesus." I said: "Oh, no, what's he done now?"

   wonders why, if you send someone a fruit basket, you are thoughtful. If I mailed someone an orange and a banana, they'd wonder, "What the hell is wrong with that guy?"

   My boyfriend came home from work upset and asked me to console him, I hit him over the head with his XBox

   Thinks everybody makes mistakes. Just ask ur mom and dad