Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Once you have seen a woman naked... You pretty much want to see the rest of then naked.

   Welcome to Utah - Set your watch back 20 years.

   thinks Dennis Leary said it best...."Ted Kennedy, great Senator, but a bad date!"

   ..muscles needed to make your face frown when someone is a moron to you-42. Muscles needed to extend arm and slap said person-4. You do the math...

   thinks you should always follow your dreams.........well, except maybe not the one when I'm wondering around naked at work.

   if someone at your church tells you that you have a servant's heart......you're about to start stackin' chairs.

   real friends stab you in the front.

   I wanted to write something about DJ AM but some people said it was too early, so i'm gonna wait 'till noon.

   didn't attend the funeral, but she sent a nice letter saying she approved of it.

   remembers the first time he had sex – he kept the receipt.

   it's Monday and the time to procrastinate is NOW!

   re-naming his remote "G-Spot". Why you ask? 'Cause he can never find it.

   Tell me now before I blow twenty bucks on drinks.

   After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?

   My hamster died today He fell asleep at the wheel.

   tonights "Built Ford Tough" Player of the Game

   Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper butt?....You're wondering now!!

   "Wake Me Up When September Ends"

   knows the last digit of PI.

   just realized that if you change the word "wand" to "wang" in the Harry Potter books, suddenly the books become a lot more interesting.