Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

   Either I just stepped in dog sh*t or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.

   Neil Young: So woke that he canceled himself.

   It's a contest to see which one can can outnumber the other: Covid variants or Rocky films.

   New Spotify subscription: Crosby Stills Nash & Rogan

   It's so cold, tonight I got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches...

   The same people who are pushing "Pregnant Men Emoji's" are canceling you for "Misinformation."

   My girlfriend left me because I'm insecure. Oh wait, she's back. I guess she just went to the grocery store.

   You know we took a wrong turn somewhere when the first thing that comes to mind is the confederate flag, when we think of Texas.

   Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.

   Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chunky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.

   whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.

   35% of your Facebook friends see your posts. Less than 1% react or comment. These stats don't apply to females who post swimsuit pics or b00bs. They're at 100%.

   This coming Wednesday, the groundhog's 6 week weather forecast will once again claim 100% accuracy while your local TV meteorologist's 5 day forecast will hover at its usual 1%.

   I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex. Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

   Last year my friend left for Paris to go to Mime school and was never heard from again...

   there a tax I can pay to end Covid-19 or does that only work with Climate Change?

   So Justin Trudeau has Covid. I'll bet he feels like he's been hit by a truck.

   My wife is a wild animal in bed. And by that I mean she's more afraid of me than I am of her.

   Why do Troubleshooting Guides always have a resolution for every problem except the one you are having?