Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Will never understand people who look both ways before entering the traffic circle?

   you can’t possibly embarrass me. I experienced ego death at the age of twelve when the plumber caught me making out with my alicia keys poster

   If you SUCK at playing the Sax , that might be your problem !

   Halloween is like the lifeboats on the Titanic. It's for women and children.

   The temperature went from 90 to 55, like it saw a state trooper.

   Glad to see Halloween is coming and I could finally get rid of some of these fast food condiments.

   I tried watching a hockey game last night. I was bored, so I opted for a little more excitement. I switched over to the Fireplace Channel on Netflix.

   There's no "I" in "team", but there are two in "failed miserably".

   I love these commercials showing caring farmers who are concerned over the way they humanely raise chickens. Only to kill them in the end.

   Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. He also had a pretty cool winter but his summer wasn't that hot.

   I wonder what the airports looked like during the US War of Independence in the 18th century?

   Instead of "Build Back Better" How about "Put it Back Together" the way it was?!

   My favorite bible verse is Lunch 12:45

   I quit smoking cold turkey. And I quit drinking cold duck.

   Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?

   All I want to do is go to open houses & earnestly whisper to potential buyers “it’s a shame what happened to the previous family.”

   why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare

   just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought I was running

   Looks like we're ready for Halloween trick or treaters. Tested the sprinkler system and it's working.

   Pandas are living proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.