Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dad said I would always go down in history. He was right. I also fingered a girl in geography.

   Thanks to the words "dude", "bro", and "man", I haven't said my best friends name in 10 years.

   An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.

   In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?” I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

   I'm worried less about who is vaccinated or not than I do about people wearing DEODORANT !

   Do people actually believe in their ridiculous conspiracy theories, or are they just trolling?

   The difference between a conspiracy theory and reality is about two weeks.

   I was gonna cook alligator for dinner, but my stove is broken and all I have is a croc pot.

   Life pro tip #366: Never make a midnight snack in the dark. A peanut butter and salsa sandwich taste exactly how it sounds

   Pit bulls are dangerous because I’m willing to jump out of a moving car to pet one

   Everyone my age already on baby no 3 I'm still on Mambo no 5

   Money can't buy you happiness, but being poor can't buy you anything.

   "If you don't stop picking at that thing it will never heal." -Sound medical advice or an insult to a banjo player

   Just got another text from my ex-wife saying "wish you were here" she does this every time she walks pass a cemetery

   I bet the people who voted for Biden are turning over in their graves

   I find it humorous that all of a sudden people care about the Afghanistan people. God, humans are so hypocritical.

   Covid vaccine now FDA approved. You can shut your pie hole now and get the jab. Oh, you won't? You were lying? Shocker.

   Ashli Babbit on vaccines: "I got my shot, now go get yours".

   Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and you can bang his wife every weekend.

   If you sit behind me honking your horn for letting a car into traffic I'm going to super polite and wait to let the next five cars to pull out into traffic as well.