Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well it's July and almost 100 degrees. Walmart should be putting the Christmas stuff out any day now.

   I say we legalize all drugs at the Olympics. Let's see how fast these MF's can run!

   The problem with this country is that too many people say they want Justice when what they really want is Revenge.

   There is no logical reason why summer shorts should cost the same as long pants.

   95 and Hazy today, kind of like Bernie Sanders

   My parents encouraged me to become a foreign exchange student until they learned I would eventually come back.

   If you can't be a good example, at least be an excellent warning.

   Imagine the horror of being the first person to ever fart in a yoga class

   got a great deal on tampons... anybody want any they are a $1.00 a piece.. no "strings" attached..

   Am I allowed to say that fish are dumb or will people say it's some sort of animal hate speech.. I have been struggling with this for months

   Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?

   What kind of quack doctor prescribes an odd number of pills for OCD

   foods contain ingredients such as iron, potassium, calcium, etc so I'm going to start calling my dinner table my "table of elements"

   Britney's free and we could start dating now!

   I don't remember watching the MLK assassination on television. We didn't have colored TV.

   Take down statues and history and I’ll take down the George Floyd memorial wall. - God

   Wisdom: A friend of mine had two small kidney stones. He didn't want surgery so he went to the bathroom and "wisdom" out.

   When men don't shave for a while it's rugged and masculine. When women don't shave for a while it's rugged and masculine

   I'm trying to eat healthier. Do dinosaur chicken nuggets count as a vegetable?

   I miss the days before there was facebook when running into a friend you hadn't seen in while was like "Oh my God! what have you been up to?!" thats now like "Hey, I saw the casserole you posted last night, looked great"