Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Them: Did you adopt your cat? Me: No, it’s my biological cat.

   Cosby gets out of prison and onto a bus. Next to a long rock wall he finds a letter. He goes to Mexico where he finds Epstein working on a boat.

   Don't expect me to stop if you break down on the road. I'm sure that you were warned about your car's warranty expiring.

   Whenever I leave a restaurant, I always stop by a random table and say, “Thank you for taking care of our check.”

   You know you're broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.

   When I order something online and there's a "Delivery Notes" box I put "Cross moat, Slay dragon, Leave item on back porch."

   ‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.

   The way they're sending civilians into space nowadays is one small step for man one impossible leap for anyone who doesn't have a million dollars who'd like to go.

   I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

   My Pride flag is up all year around, it's red, white, and blue. Merica' 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

   The best way to surprise your partner in bed is by dying in your sleep.

   I found a 129.00 Kylie Minogue concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it. You never know when you might need a nail.

   “It will be celebrated with pomp and parade, bonfires and illuminations from one end of this continent to the other.” ~ John Adams

   If women had boobs on their back they would be more fun to dance with.

   All of the mosquitos in my yard just received the Moderna vaccine.

   I’d rather see a woman who smoked a joint represent the USA in the Olympics than one who turns her back on the flag. I said what I said.

   will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break

   41 shot in NYC this past weekend, 77 in Chicago, 24 in Atlanta. But it's ok... no need for the media to report it. There were no police officers involved.

   The best part about being over 50 is discovering all the new regions of your body that can support hair life.

   If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke break a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.