Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin

   hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused

   Coolant means something else when it comes out of the engine lid when you've been driving for 30kms

   You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff some guys pay money for in later life.

   All I said to the person in front of me at the grocery store checkout line was "beautiful mustache"...a COMPLIMENT. Then, for no reason at all, she got all angry, gave me a dirty look, grabbed her purse, and walked out....

   Where exactly do they find those hot women in the calendar on the wall behind the front counter at the mechanic's garage? Enquiring minds want to know.

   Hey, guess what me and Rudy Giuliani have in common? We both can't practice law in New York.

   I'm glad McDonald's doesn't sell hotdogs. I'd feel really awkward ordering a McWeiner, and don't even get me started on Super Size.

   Did you know one of the Vaccine side effects is improved Eyesight ? After 2 doses you'll find you can now see the light at the end of the Tunnel.

   Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Night gets longer. Life gets better. Wait... what? The humidity? Kindly disregard all.

   Damn, it's hotter than a spoon at Hunter Biden's house outside.

   If you want to capture someone’s attention, whisper ~ Creepy Joe

   I still have the Wooden Nickels I collected as a kid. I was an early investor in Birchcoin.

   How the hell did a generation raised on South Park and Family Guy become so offended by everything?

   Math Rock is a term meant to describe music that is complex in rhythmic structure. But in reality, all rock is Math Rock. Some is Calculus, some is Algebra, some is Arithmetic and some is Pre-K Introduction to Numbers.

   Dear Newsy, If you keep playing old news stories on repeat its no longer called Newsy, it's called History.

   Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times they chase me down the street after I give them a wedgie.

   Assert dominance at your friend’s house by taking a massive dump.

   Blood is red, ultraviolet lights are blue, I’ve seen enough murder shows, they will never find you.

   William Shatner has discontinued his new line of ladies lingerie. Apparently "Shatner Panties" wasn't the best choice for a name.