Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m at the age where, whenever I think of my age, I think, “I should go lie down.”

   They should make an alarm clock that plays the sound of my dog about to throw up.

   Calories? I think you mean delicious points!

   "The sum of the carrots are inversely proportional to the squared exponent of the cabbage divided by the vinegar and multiplied by the mayonnaise." ~Cole's Law

   My brain is like a greenhouse, it has a terrible groundskeeper.

   I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three. –me on house hunters

   Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?

   How do you delete Facebook? I’m not talking about my account I mean the entire thing.

   Kisses are like real estate …. Location Location Location

   Believe in yourselves and follow your hearts and you could do and be anyone you want to be, except Keith Richards.

   China claims covid came from an old bat, but Pelosi denies being involved.

   I'm not sure who needs to hear this but Walmart sells Father's Day cards in packs of five.

   Fred Flintstone: Hey, was that an insult? Gazoo: Well, if the shoe fits... Barney Rubble: What's a shoe?

   I'm surprised McAfee & Norton didn't get a piece of the vaccine action.

   Interesting Fact: Tuesday Weld was not named after the second day of the week. Because if she was, her name would be "Monday Weld."

   My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.

   I still giggle when I get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as I am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.

   It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.

   My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.

   ‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’ ~dogs in therapy