Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women aren't panicking about the gas shortage...they've been riding around on E all the time.

   Are there any voters who still think electing Biden was a good thing?

   Now trading toilet paper for gasoline.

   How to tell if someone is fully vaccinated? Scan their chip.

   I should be ashamed of my behaviour. Just to be clear, I should be, but I'm not.

   idk why people get paranoid about getting a chip put in them someday. ...lays & pringles have been putting chips in me for years

   The price of great success is the greater fear of losing it all in the end.

   What's going on!?!? I thought it was a guarantee that Jared would bring peace to the middle east?????

   Should hallways in mental institutes be called psycho-paths?

   On the internet, you have a better chance of surviving The Oregon Trail than a trip to WebMD!

   being an adult is staring at medium screens all day to come home and stare at a little screen while a big screen is on in the background

   The CDC says you should start using your turn signals.

   Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.

   Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?” Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”

   A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth

   Helium addiction is horrible because no one takes your cries for help seriously.

   The best thing about wanting a chameleon as a pet is that you may already have one.

   “Hey, smell this.” -Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.

   If tomatoes are considered fruits, isn’t ketchup a smoothie?

   Silly sane people...bags are for gas.