Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   doesn't care if his neighbors see him walking around in his Spiderman boxers. It's Tuesday!

   just saw barbie sitting on pinnochio's face screamin "lie you damn puppet, lie!!"

   surprised how we live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police...

   Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!!

   Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

   It really pi$$es me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

   I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

   reading a book on the history of glue. and can't put it down

   Explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield. 3.14159265 dead.

   she is too tired to be clever for her status.

   just gotten an email stating that I had won the Nigerian lottery! I just left the post office to send off my 1500 dollar processing fee and I'll be on a beach in the Bahama's in no time, SUCKAS!

   reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

   "Welcome, you have no mail, but you have 200 spam messages from yours truly"

   thinking women should come with a carfax

   feels like pile-driving his whiny coworker thru a thick glass table bound with barbed wire into a pool of rubbing alcohol with rusty nails and then set it on fire and drink a beer...

   so he thinks he can make the desicion to change our healthcare over night, comin from a guy who took three months to decide on the color of his new bed room, and 6 months on a dog....

   I'll keep my guns, my freedom, my money. You can keep the change!!!

   first there were 3 broken axles then I died of dysentery. Damn Oregon Trail.

   The Mayan calendar says the world is going to end in 2012. That's why I refer to my Ziggy calendar instead.

   Why the hell didn't the Hamburglar ever steal and eat Mayor McCheese? I mean he was, after all, an ENORMOUS burger.