Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like being invited to things, it’s the showing up that bothers me.

   What’s your favorite Nickelback song? Don’t even pretend you don’t have one or that you hate them.

   You know what most people are getting for Christmas? Fat.

   I think for Christmas Mark Zuckerberg should share some of his wealth with us all we helped him make, or at least give us fonts.

   You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. Youre moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. Youve just crossed into Facebook!

   Advice for those people who want to discuss politics tomorrow at the dinner table... Just don't

   To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I'm making my house into an Italian restaurant.

   Precision. Concentration. Patience. Fearlessness. For skills I possess when shaving my nuts that I could apply to other aspects of my life!

   Happy Confused Camel Day!!

   Wednesday is the new Monday and Thursday is the new Hump Day.

   Loving and all these Christmas photos you're posting of your families who look as joyous and festive as the family who came with a picture frame I bought a while ago, who I also don't know.

   my New Year's resolution is to exercise (my right to be lazy)

   "It's December 26. Happy Valentines Day!" - a store near you.

   I should ask all of my exe's on a scale of 1-10 how good of a boyfriend I was...and then totally ignore anyone who doesn't say 10 cause I cant stand liars

   My New Year's resolution is to be more social by deleting all my social networks.

   For Sale.. 2019 gym membership Willing to trade for a case of beer and a large pizza...msg me for details...

   When a girl says "Aw that's that's very sweet of you" to a male friend who asks her out on a date what she's really trying to say is "Back into the friends zone with you!"

   A word of advice guys, When a girl says "Aw that's that's very sweet of you" when you ask her out on a date what she's really trying to say is "Back into the friends zone with you!"

   That's it, After tomorrow at noon, I will be taking the rest of the year off.

   My New Years resolution for 2019 is to be more assertive if that's okay with you guys?