Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

   Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate a&& who owns this phone. Thanks :)

   There's a fine line between hyphenated words.

   and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, I knew it was time to go.

   we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.

   Hey Boston-LOVE THAT DIRTY WATER♥

   the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. I told her I wanted to be on cops

   how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready

   she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."

   Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't f#cking clap." I was that white guy.

   May God have mercy on my new vibrator.

   I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

   Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.

   Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young ones

   I just heard that Britney Spears and Miley Cyrus are going to sing Country Music together…….. I think their new group should be called the Ditsy Chicks….

   May the 4th be with you!

   Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly?

   Be careful when someone wants to take you to ANOTHER LEVEL, I listened to that and now I am in another level, but much lower than I was before!

   NOTE TO SELF: Remember not to discuss my personal life on FaceBook. And don't forget to pick up rash cream..........

   Since the Statue of Liberty was a gift from France, I'm surprised it didn't come with both arms raised.