Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 413 of 6385
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
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05-01-2010 19:54 by paulb808
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If at first you don't succeed, mabey sky diving wasn't meant for you.
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05-01-2010 20:57 by dlane
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Few people know this but Cinco de Mayo is actually about a ship full of mayonnaise that sank off the coast of Mexico.
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05-01-2010 22:30 by Mike M
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Mythbuster: Homophones were not invented by Alexander Graham Bell's flowery nephew.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great a$$ and a trust fund.
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05-01-2010 22:51 by paulb808
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just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
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05-01-2010 23:00 by paulb808
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I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, sh!t on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me B!tch." I don't own a hamster.
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05-01-2010 23:08 by paulb808
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Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
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05-01-2010 23:12 by paulb808
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Cinco de mayo is the celebration of Mexico kicking the repo mans(France) a$$ who they owed money to and winning! It's true look it up!
...and thats when George Washington shot Hitler in the head.
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05-02-2010 00:02
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Unite this Cinco de Mayo to keep sharpies out of the hands of young mexican girls' hands. Feel comfortable in your natural eyebrows ladies.
Why does watching Twilight New Moon make me want to watch Teen Wolf!
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
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05-02-2010 02:33 by paulb808
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I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
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05-02-2010 02:34 by paulb808
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The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
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05-02-2010 02:36 by paulb808
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after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
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05-02-2010 02:39 by paulb808
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I guess the cop knew I was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
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05-02-2010 02:41 by paulb808
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I don't know who example555@hotmail.com is but I wish he would stop using my MSN Messenger.
All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
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05-02-2010 06:04 by abel254
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law of averages:The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.
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05-02-2010 06:05 by abel254
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