Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   you are like the drummer from REO Speedwagon...nobody knows who you are.

   I have received many kind wishes for my birthday and want to thank all those who have called, sent FB messages,texts or e-mails they are really appreciated. Special thanks to my wife for renting the Aunt Bee costume and rubber sheets for my bed time gift

   Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

   If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

   resistance is futile, you will be assimilated. We are facebook.

   Has anyone out there ever tried Auto Erotic Asphyxiation? I haven't...just curios if anyone else has....

   reading a book....yea I know I was shocked too

   How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you re on

   traffic lights turn green so fast, I cant even update my status

   "Barcelona expected to win. They have had an incredible surprise at the San Siro. Then we understood... they had fear". - Jose Mourinho

   hiding from trolls, you never saw me....

   waving his pants and shouting 'viva la revolution'

   There's a huge debt crisis in Greece. Apparently they've got bills.........they're multiplying.

   been trying to think of a term to describe the amount of time it takes the earth to complete one single rotation, but I'm thinking of calling it a day.

   sad that '24' is coming to an end after 8 seasons. I have given 8 whole days of my life to this series.

   Hiring someone attractive does necessarily not mean they will be a productive employee...unless this person is a prostitute.

   went into my local store and I saw that they had put up a big sign saying, "NO READING IN THIS SHOP",I grabbed 4 bars of chocolate, took them to the counter and said, "Which of these is the Dairymilk?"

   Always finishes what I sta

   I just saw a picture of Lady GA GA she has a nice Camel Toe ,I mean MOOSE KNUCKLE !!!!

   Do I wake up grumpy in the morning? Nope. I just let her sleep