Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity

   I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

   "NO STRAW...STUPID McDONALDS DRIVE-THRU JA..oh there it is.

   I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

   Dear AT&T Wireless, Thanks for transferring me to nine different agents with nine different accents...I am exhausted from this world-wide tour.

   A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

   girl next to me at work is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup... NICE!

   Condom says to Tampax.."You put me outta Business for 1 week a month. Tampax says to Condom..."If you don't do your job I lose mine for 9 months."

   Helloooo summer. How I've missed you and your lack of responsibilities...

   How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?

   I almost forgot that I had cheated on my diet Then I found that darned crumb in my bra.

   I don't know about you, but I'm pretty disgusted by the "tips for a tiny belly" ads.

   getting bored with Dear Diary, oops she means Facebook. Just because facebook asks you "What's on your mind?" doesn't mean you have to answer, if it ask you to jump off a bridge would you do that to?

   Instead of Facebooks asking "What's on your mind?", it should ask "Where's the beef?"

   I almost forgot I cheated on my diet until my wife found panties in my truck!

   Instead of Facebook asking "What's on your mind?", it should ask "What kind of drama do you have today?"

   Premature Ejaculation ads make car rides awkward.....

   When I looked out from my house, there were no cars....no people around, and my neighbors driveways were empty. It was quiet.......too quiet. Of course you would be thinking the same thing as I was..........that's right...Zombies!

   Life is like an iPhone, it's only as fun as the apps you have downloaded!!!!

   Just realized how sad it is when people watch reality tv rather than going out and having a reality!