Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Three stages of marriage:1st Mad for each other, 2nd made for each other, 3rd mad because of each other.

   The teacher asked students to write an essay on 'If I were a Millionaire'. All students started writing except lil John. "What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?" I'm waiting for my secretary,

   Survey reveals what women feel about their Azzes. Only 15% women feel their Azz is too big. Remaining 85% say: We don�t care, we are married to them.

   When a man gets up to speak, people listen, then look. When a woman gets up, people look; then, if they like what they see, they listen.

   According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.

   An archeolgist is the best husbany any woman can ever get. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her

   A husband's last words always has to be 'OK buy it'.

   had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."

   The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public :-)

   I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.

   Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife

   Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.

   I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"

   Yes, but keep copies." -- When my secretary asked me if she should destroy files that were over ten years old.

   txted my GF while partying in Vegas saying "Hi Huney,iam enjoying alot ,wish you were her", after that I realised what a spelling mistake could do.

   Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

   Unless life hands you water and sugar.. Your lemonade is gonna suck...

   What do you call 3 old ladies at a baseball game with a bottle of whisky? Bottom of the 5th and the bags are loaded!

   when we see the rainbow in the sky is it because this is the time for gay people to celebrate their queerness

   want to know if sex toy manufacturers have product testers?