Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine....

   wifes cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.

   's dog was staring at him.....So I stared back....he laughed.....I'm scared

   Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

   What did the hurricane say 2 the coconut tree? Hold onto your nuts,this is no ordinary blow job...

   a woman may be as wicked as she likes, but unless she is pretty it will not do her any good

   I love burritos at four a.m. Parties that never end. I love quarterbacks eating dirt Pom-poms and short skirts And...and twins!"

   saw a guy pick pocket a dwarf today. I thought how could he stoop so low?

   I'm a pc and Windows 7 was NOT my idea.

   Moving sucks! Why hasn't anyone invented Copy and Paste for real life?

   Immediately like this status if you automatically restart a game when you know your gonna lose!

   Cops never say "Thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed." It's just plain selfish!

   A Middle Eastern man bought a lot of stuff off the internet but never received it. Unfortunately he was E-gypt.

   Tu pac's of Eminems are 50 cents, That's Ludacris! I want my Nickelback.

   Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars.... I could really use a wish right Now. B.O.B

   Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land." Then about 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel

   this is the promised land." Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and bankrupted the promised land.

   why kiss....when you can tell her lips a secret.

   Larry King's wife is accusing him of cheating on her. "Yeah, get in line," said Death.

   Thinking about starting a new diet, it's called the "Sight Unseen Diet." If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.