Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   enjoyed how Ben Roethlisberger decided he needed to look like Jesse James at his press conference!

   Every once in a while you should get a check up...on who your real friends are.

   Its a beautiful day out. The sun is out, the birds are out and Ricky Martin is out

   the proof for darwin's theory.

   I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

   I bought some batteries... but they weren't included... so I had to buy them again...

   I have a full-size map of the world. At the bottom it says "1 inch = 1 inch". I hardly ever unroll it.

   A friend of mine sent me a postcard with a satellite photo of the entire planet on it, and on the back he wrote, "Wish you were here."

   Its funny how sitting "boy girl boy girl" use to be a punishment...

   Happy 267th birthday, Thomas Jefferson

   given a choice at birth a big penis or great memory!......... I cant remember what I chose

   Sorrry Facebook I trusted you manytimes I will not tell you what s on my mind anymore you keep tell people my secrets

   I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.

   If anybody steals my identity, at least I'll know who to look for.

   The first person who had hiccups must have been scared $hitless

   thinking people need to quit quoting Steve Wright he wasnt funny the first 50 billion times we've heard it

   Earthquake in Mexico. 50,000 dead. England sending money, France sending food, US sending Replacement Mexicans. Pack your sh!t up, you're going home.

   hates it when he goes to take a drink and the straw goes up his nose. Not cool when tryin' to impress the ladies!

   thinks "survival of the fittest is absolute BS!" Have you looked around lately?

   Forgetfulness is the device your mind uses to tell you what is important and what isn't.