Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Drinks only on days that start with "T".. Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Tonday, Tunday, Tednesday and Taturday.

   Parents call it "Back Talk" we call it "explaining why their wrong"....

   It sucks when I decide something's not too hot for me to bring it across the room without an oven mitt, and finding out halfway there that I was wrong.

   The fire department does not appreciate being called to come fight an April Fool fire.

   I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who was wearing Uggs.

   I've managed to avoid around 50 April fools jokes this morning. However, I've now lost my job on the emergency sevices desk.

   Time's running out if you want a chance at a Christmas / New Year baby.. I'm free for the next couple nights..

   If you love to make your own homemade beef jerky, don't get a vanity tag for your vehicle that says "LUV2JERK." People will laugh at you.

   A baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and he just ain't spitting it out.

   My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

   The winner of the rat race is still a rat.

   its not team edward or Jacob its team necrophilliac or team beastiality

   I wanted a good suit for a job interview. The missus said"Why don't you borrow the suit your dad wore at the funeral last week?" It really was a good suit, so I grabbed a shovel,headed for the graveyard and........

   having a threesome with Ben and Jerry

   Scientists confirm diarrhea is hereditary, saying it "runs in your jeans."

   Girls have unique magic tricks, they get wet without water, bleed without injury, and make boneless things hard.

   Accidentally grabbing the glitter spray instead of the feminine deopdorant spray gives "disco stick" a whole new meaning.

   noticed a friends facebook status said that he's suicidal and thinking about jumping off a bridge. So I poked him

   I'm not lady gaga but I too want to take a ride on your disco stick

   me and my husband been happy for 20 years. And then one day we met.