Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks his disco stick is available for riding on but is not 100% sure what a disco stick even is

   My girlfriend has a cracking body. .... I think it's eczema.

   just realized that you are supposed to urinate on jellyfish stings......not jellyroll stains....sorry fat stranger!!!

   How many mimes have died because no one believed they were choking..

   moving to the country and gonna eat me a lot of peaches

   make sure you get all the bubbles out of the syringe....

   you can polish a turd but it will always be a piece of sh*t

     You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,

   wishes mean people would go live on the planet Uranus.

   Wife came home from shopping, I asked her why she had to spend over £100 on makeup. She replied "It's so I can look pretty, why do you have to waste so much money on beer". I told her it was to make her look pretty. Had to sleep on the sofa that night.

   whoever said Kentucky can beat an NBA team needs to go hide under a rock..

   Got bit by a mental patient tonight at work. This may be my last message that makes sense, as I am starting to believe the CIA is watching everyhting I type and that these voices are pretty cool to hang out with.

   believes you should place a woman on a pedestal - high enough so you can look up her dress”

   There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that.”

   Well, now that K-State and Kentucky have lost (as did Kansas and Villanova)... and considering Obama had them ALL in his "Final Four", it's pretty safe to say that this just adds to the things he's WRONG about.

   please copy and paste this to your status if you know someone, or have been affected by someone, who needs a punch in the face. People who need a punch in the face affect the lives of many. There is no known cure for those who deserve a punch in the face,

   trying to figure out this "cook book of life". I got the ingredients... I just dont know the recipe.

   I'll take "Things that a crackhead would steal" for $600, Alex.

   life isn't a garden, stop being a hoe.

   You are so selfish! You're going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night!"