Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I do not have adult ADD. I have "What your saying bores the s#it out of me."

   I do lots of stuff in my back yard that's illegal to do in public.

   Does anyone else leave Best Buy without buying anything and think the security guy at the front suspects you of stealing... so you go out of your way to act friendly toward him?

   There's a new Tiger porn with all the hoes he cheated with called "It's all in the hips." It's better than his first release "Tiger's 18 favorite holes."

   I woke up this morning with a hospital arm-band on containing all the information off my fake I.D. WTF did we do last night!?!?

   Don't tell your boyfriend that your friend is slutty... It will only intrigue him...

   I sometimes pee in the shower, and my girlfriend says that's only OK if I'm actually taking a shower.

   I wish I could hire some of those Mexican workers to do all my work on Farmville.

   just went to the book store to buy a wheres wally book. when I got there I couldn't find him anywhere. well played wally, well played

   took my son for his swimming lesson and he said `i need a wee` , I said after looking around `sssshhhhh just do it in the water` .... and he did , trouble is he was standing at the pools edge !!

   If you were a birdwatcher, would you prefer a Swift or Swallow?

   Found out today that you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jellyroll stain. Sorry, fat stranger.

   My wife said to me, "I'm fed up with you being so lazy, pack your bags and leave." I said, "You pack them."

   going to heckle Tiger Woods at The Masters by throwing a box of condoms at him

   Ahhhhhh. I love SPRING! Bright sunshine, slight breeze, about 70 degrees, and I am inside telling you people about it! See how much I care?

   If you think things improve with age, attend a class reunion.

   500 years ago when men went to war it was common for them to force their wives to wear chastity belts while they were away.Therfore only a locksmith could remove these chastity belts. This explains why 'Smith' is the most common name in the phonebook...

   Police Station toilet stolen - Cops have nothing to go on.

   The cops came to my house earlier, claiming that my dog had chased someone on a bike. I said "Piss off, my dog doesn't have a bike!"

   REALLY annoyed. I got asked to leave the supermarket for doing what one of their supid signs said: "Wet Floor." Bunch of retards.