Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   DUDE! The vending machine gave me TWO!"

   I was good at math before they decided to mix the alphabet in it...

   Period pains? Try having a b0ner in jeans....

   After an object has been assembled, theres always extra components will be found on the bench.

   who is the biggest prostitute alive? Mrs. pacman , because for 25 cents that bi*ch will swallow balls until she dies!

   (Q) Why are there no female hockey players in the NHL? (A) They don't want to go through 3 periods each game

   Freedom means the right to yell Theater in a crowded fire

   THE MOST CONFUSING DAY IN THE GHETTO IS FATHER'S DAY....

   Next time you try to look hot in your profile pic, check the scenery. There's a dookie in the toilet behind you! Not hot!!!!

   Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

   A lot of peeps these days have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B.

   once watched a movie for 30 minutes waiting for a commercial so he could grab a snack -- then remembered it was a DVD.

   When the outcome of what I strive for is consistently determined by things completely out of my control, my give-a-damn reacts accordingly. I'm just sayin'...

   So it turns out that "The Love Shack" does, indeed, turn up on your bank statement.

   People are going to start thinking we're crazy, well just me, you went past crazy ages ago.

   I really hate it when people say "that sucks" like it really makes the situation any better.

   But officer, I wasn't texting while driving! I was updating my status!

   A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle!

   I Cried for New Shoes, Until I Saw Someone With No Feet

   freedom means to yell "Fire" in a crowded theater!