Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not surprisingly, slow-cooked Leprechauns taste just like corned beef!

   Being called beautiful is miles better than hot or sexy..

   I dream of giving birth to a child who will ask "Mother,what was war?" -Eva Merriam.

   mutilating a Foreigner song, just to be an a$$. "He's a juice box hero, with straws in his eyes!"

   going to pounce on you like a spider-monkey on crack

   Happy Alcoholidays

   Dear Winter, I am breaking up with you. It's not me, it's you, you make me miserable. I think it's time I start seeing other seasons.

   saying, some people.... need a daily dose of... shut the f**k up!!!

   just decided to fire her personal trainer. It wasn't working out.

   With today being St Patricks day,I've decided to dedicate my life to helping leprechauns clean up thier act. They're always smoking the pot at the end of the rainbow.

   TOYOTA, ONCE YOU DRIVE ONE YOU'LL NEVER STOP

   IF YOU DONT LIKE MY OPINION OF YOU, YOU CAN ALWAYS IMPROVE

   So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

   asked the waitress what she recommended and she said the spinach dip was bangin'. Not quite sure how I feel 'bout that.

   life is like a roll of toilet paper...the closer it gets to the end> the faster it goes...

   She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were boinking.

   The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?

   no dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.

   the most successful people are those who are good at plan B.

   defeat is not the worst of failures, not to have tried is the true failure!