Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   will give you advice now. If you are shopping for a gift for a child, do not buy Moon Sand. It doesn't matter if it costs $19.95 and comes in a brightly colored package, it's still WET SAND.

   a W.T.F. Moment!... If fast food is so unhealthy then why is McDonald's the sponsor of the Olympics???

   Be vewy vewy quiet, I'm hunting wabbits!!

   A wise man washes his hands after he pees...... A wiser man doesn't pee on his hands.

   In a PBS world with a HBO mind...

   What does it mean when your lady wears a Cleveland Browns jersey to bed.......U aint gonna score!

   If adam and eve weree only people god made Wouldn't that mean we are all related?

   Today, I saw the commercial for the Snuggie. I still think it is stupid idea, but I couldn't change the channel because I was under a blanket and I didn't want my arms to get cold…

   The sign it Said wet floor, So I did.

   Viagra is now available in powder form for your tea. It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.

   My laziness is becoming such a issue that I can't even be bothered hanging my clothes on my treadmill anymore

   doesn't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

   it is so cold outside, that even the guy at the gas station had a towel on his head!

   "I guess when they asked me to get the horse bridled and mount her, I did something completely wrong"

   lying in bed with my wife and whispers in her ear, "Hey, how would you like to play a nice little game of rape?" Taken back by the question, she loudly says "NO!". I man replied, "That's the spirit!"

   What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?...............wipes =)

   Gravity is pulling my pants OFF!!! 0:)

   wonders what the proper amount of Thin Mints to eat in one sitting are? One Cookie? Two? One Tube? Two?

   Gravity, is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Magnetism , Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.

   Silence Is golden, Duct tape is sliver