Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pay no mind to those who speak behind your back. It just means that you are ahead of them.

   There's a fleck on the speck on the tail On the frog on the bump on the branch On the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea.

   says....I was concerned that my goldfish was epileptic, so I took it to the Vet. "Looks fine to me" they said. I said "But you haven't taken it out of the water yet!"

   thinks directing a few airplanes at JFK would be child's play.

   A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says"Why do you think that?". The man says, "well, the s*x is still the same but the laundry is piling up."

   FAT CHICKS ARE LIKE MOPEDS, THERE ARE FUN AND GAMES UNTIL YOUR FRIENDS CATCH YOU RIDIN ONE.....

   doesn't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth like 12 points

   examining one of his patients. Took the husband aside and said: Your wife doesn't look too good. Husband said: I know but she's got an awesome personality...

   Be careful the bridges you burn today may be the very ones you will one day have to cross!

   Silly rabbit tried to steal my damn trix.

   You can't be a smart cookie with a crummy attitude.

   If my neighbors dont tone it down a little bit, I am going to have to change my WiFi network name to "I can hear you having sex".

   Failure is not an Option, and Defeat is not a Choice!

   Im never going to a petting zoo with MC hammer EVER AGAIN !!!

   really looking forward to this years Toyota Grand Prix of Long Beach. Talk about non-stop racing action!

   March 4th. I like today's date because it's like i'm telling people what to do.

   My father told me "never hit a man while he's down, kick him! It's a whole lot easier!"

   "Project Runway": New title for "Teach your kid to be an air traffic controller at JFK."

   that you might as well sleep with me because I'm going to tell all my friends you did anyway.

   I only have sex on days that begin with "T". Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday and Thunday.