Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm sorry, I'm about to lose you because I'm about to drive into a tunnel in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

   loves a woman in uniform...unless she's in my rearview mirror.

   I hate it when you are looking for something and you realize that it is in your hand.

   feels sorry for all the hassle Toyota drivers have had to put up with the last few weeks, they deserve a brake...

   I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

   My therapist just prescribed all new meds for my March madness.

   The definiton of success: The achievement of something desired, planned, or attempted: So to be successful, set low standards, to be a failure and frustrated, set very high standards.

   Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

   going to create his own costume and fight crime

   sometimes the best part of my job is that the chair spins

   seize the moment! Remember all those people on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart...

   I think I am going to donate to Haiti and Chili as much as they donated to us when we were struck with Hurricane Katrina…… oh that's right that would be nothing! No one came to help us, and we still haven't finished cleaning up form from our natur

   read that Pat Robertson claims all the snow on the East Coast is God punishing them for Jersey Shore.

   's night in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminium foil

   Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

   Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

   And then God created Saturn...and he liked it, so he put a ring on it.

   I use Facebook for the people I know. I use Twitter for the people I wish I knew.

   I like to hide in the clothing racks at department stores and while people are browsing yell PICK ME! PICK MEEEEE!

   thinks there should be a day called masculinity awareness day, where a man must do something manly, like fight a bear, eat meat, or write a poem about his feelings... then burn it!