Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was asked if i'd volunteer for Comic Relief at work. All i'd have to do is wear funny clothes,answer the phone,write a few notes,chat and joke with others and eat junk food. Of course I said "Yes". Who wouldnt want to be like their boss for just one day

   the first step to failing is trying

   his girlfriend has a black belt in cooking.... one chop and your dead

   wants to know what do you give a sick florist?

   not all men are fools, some are bachelors

   feels like a hamster in his wheel - going nowhere fast!

   I was just told that it takes three sheep to make one sweater. Wow. Thats shocking. I didnt know sheep could knit.

   ┣▇f͟͞a͟͞c͟͞e͟͞b͟͞o͟͞o͟͞k͟͞▇▇═─ This drug is effective for cases of chronic boredom. Warning can be habit forming and lead to addiction!!!

   I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

   Every time I find the key for success someone goes and change all the locks

   He who runs behind truck is exhausted, he who runs in front of truck is tired.

   Men Play The Game, Women Know The Score.

   the only mystery Scooby Doo will never solve.

   The people at MapQuest must think everyone is an idiot. Is it really necessary to start the directions with how to get out of your own driveway?

   Ladies, if you have to stand in front of us picking you underware out of your butt you might want to consider jeans that aren't so tight they require us to watch that type of nastiness...

   when your life flashes before your eyes, make sure you've got plenty to watch.

   Regardless of what my mom says, I'm pretty sure I would win a fight against a paper bag.

   going to McDonald's for a salad like going to a brothel for a hug....

   I had the right to remain silent...but I didn't have the ability.

   Everyone has a freak flag, some just fly their's more than others....im jus sayin....