Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've said it before and I'll say it again! Those are not my toys, and I don't know why they're in my bedroom! ;-)

   needs to find the stuff that's making his hair turn white and direct it towards his teeth.

   Damn! Facebook goes through more mood swings and changes than a 18 year old girl........or is it a 21 year old? [ I forgot which one was b*tch!er]

   Friends will lend you their umbrella; Best friends will run away with it and yell "Run little Retard, Run!!"

   Text Chicago to 90999 to donate $75 plus a tax of 10% and a parking fee of $10 plus a beer fund of 8.5% to donate for Illinois Earthquake Relief

   man came up with a new invention: a vibrating tampon. That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.

   a good deed is when you smoke weed

   *holding my shirt* excuse miss, would you consider this boyfriend material?!?!

   Have you ever looked up the word "dictionary" in the dictionary? A hand comes out of the page and slaps you across the face.

   Treat me like an angel.....and il take you 2 heaven! ;-)

   Sometimes it's just easier to pay someone else than to try to do it yourself....Especially when that something is Proctology

   Sometimes it's just easier to pay someone else than to try to do it yourself....Especially when that something is spreading herpes or glitter

   If we are all part of a greater whole, and all come from the same place, and we are all one and share the same essence…why can't I have sex with my friend's sister without him getting mad at me? She's hot, I wanna get in that…

   Why does war exist, why do we hate, and who keeps making these Martin Lawrence movies? Big Mommas House 3? Three? WTF

   If the meaning of life is the greatest mystery of all, why don't we put Matlock on the case? You know what I'm talking about…AWWW YEAH

   Rest in Peace Captain Phil...I guess catching crabs can really kill you!!!

   Send me your FarmVille invitation... So, I can have it foreclosed and evicted by the end of the day.

   Arite guys, celebrity doppelgänger week is over. Take down these beautiful celebrities and let's see your ugly faces again.

   its better to loved and lost then to live with the psycho for the rest of your life.

   I played a country music song backwards. I got my truck back,my house back,my dog back..