Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   can't understand you.... I don't speak fluent bullsh!t

   If 4 out of 5 people suffer with diarrhea,does that one person enjoy it?

   the guy who said women are bad at maths, missed out that they also divide the number of people that the slept with by 3!

   Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

   Ugggh.. won't work just end so I can hurry up and go to fight club already?

   heard there might be a Goonies 2 coming out so he is going to eat 15lbs of deep fried chicken, 82 big macs, 104 bags of cheetos and drink 38ltrs of pop in the course of 1 week just so he can get the 'Chunk' role and bust out the 'Truffle Shuffle'

   death gotta be easy cause life is hard. It'll leave you physically, mentally, and emotionally scarred

   Men expecting regular women to act like porn stars is similar to women expecting men to act like the sensitive hunks in romantic comedies.

   busier than a one-armed man in an ass-whipping contest!

   you cry, I cry; you laugh, I laugh; but when you jump off a bridge into a lake... i'll be ready with the boat :D

   i hide behind the tears of a clown

   ..i got tired of the grass always being greener on the other side, so that's where I've been sending my dog to relieve herself.

   advises; never pass a bathroom, never waste a woody and never, ever trust a fart.

   Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

   secretly hoping the sex tape I made with Lois from Family guy is leaked to TMZ

   texting this fb status right now because someone really annoying just sat across from me and I want to look busy.  

   God gave you them shoes, to fit you So put them on and wear them... be yourself man, be proud of who you are Even if it sounds corny... don't ever let no one tell you, you ain't beautiful

   If you cant dazzle them with your brillance, baffle them with your bull sh!t

   has hired a secretary for complaints. If you have a complaint go to Helen Wait.

   I'll always remember the last words my dad said to me before he passed away. "What are you doing with that gun?"