Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you replaced every time you read, wand, in a Harry Potter book, with the word Willy, the hilarity is immense.

   I just busted my Gold Fish smoking seaweed. No wonder he was always hungry and paranoid.

   So far this year, my hindsight is only 20/10.

   those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter

   the world may be falling apart around you, but as long as you're wearing Miley Cyrus merchandise you'll be alright.

   In the mcdonalds parking lot banging your girlfriend.

   The probability of the bread falling buttered side down is directly proportional to the price of the carpet.

   While Simon Cowell was in Los Angeles for "American Idol," his home in London was robbed. Police say it was the work of professional thieves. Cowel described the thieves as "amateurish and uninspired."

   wonders why does his wife insist on watching shows in standard def when we have the high def equivilent on our cable system?

   FOR SALE: straw house and stick house. Both in need of renovation. Apply brick house. No wolves.....

   Two wrongs doesnt make a right...but three rights make a left.

   Costco: Go hungry leave happy

   Wearin glasses does'nt mean ur smart, it jus means you cant see...

   Jack Frost go away, come again another day. I need some sun, I need some sand, I need an island & a band. I'm bored with you & tired of the cold, so go away your getting old. Bring on the sun at one hundred degrees, some coconut oil & pina coladas please

   I swear am going to climb my neighbours fence, steal his fu*king barking a*s dog, put it in my yard and see how he likes to be kept awake all night long.

   thinks a balanced meal is chocolate in both hands

   just because I busted a nut it doesn't mean you made me cum

   Has a huge Migraine.... I think this is gods way of saying quit laughing at Hellen Keller Jokes.

   A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it

   If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is 'Probably because of something you did