Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To who ever invented the padded bra... THANK YOU

   note to self: learn that the word voltage is a bad thing before placing hands on the cables

   finds it interesting that most of the girls in the sex addiction meetings are either Pentecostal or Mennonite's

   brought to you today by the neighbor's router

   if it weren't for Angels & Demons I never would of known that priests make excellent helicopter pilots and they even know how to skydive, go figure.

   still accidentaly writes 2009 instead of 2010... and this will probably continue until the end of February.

   I know Floyd Mayweather likes to dodge but this is ridiculous!

   The Only Crimson Tide A Longhorn Fan is Afraid of Comes Once A Month From His Wife Or Girlfriend!

   ..can't wait for a nice English summer. The warmth,the sun,the clear blue skies..it will be a nice couple of days...

   when the river runs red, take the dirt road...

   Fripple - adj. Cold enough to freeze nipples. (etymology: combination of the words frozen and nipple) Ex. It is fripple cold outside,

   if history repeats itself then she guesses she won't be rich and famous in her next life!

   annoyed that he can't play UNO. The Mexican's keep stealing my green cards.

   should have been a Solid Gold dancer

   wondering why Band*Aid doesnt make ethnically colored bandages

   Would like to fist pump "The Situation" right in face!!

   says roses are red, violets are blue, you're my facebook friend, but I don't like you.

   just started my new job as an Historian this morning. I've got a big day behind me.

   just scraped 3 inches of "Mostly Cloudy" off my car.

   It is times like this that make me laugh at people from the south. Hurricanes and tornados, people still go to work, but let a white flake fall out of the sky, and oh Sh*t!!!!