Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the problem with new years resolutions is that people aim to high, start small like..."im not going to fart in church."

   New Year, New Beginnings, New Me, New Attitude, New Bullsht............watch out I'm New and Improved......

   I have a friend whose status says: "Suicidal - Standing on the edge of a cliff". So I poked him...

   thought long and hard and finally made a decision on his New Year's resolution....it will remain 1024 x 768

   used to be a virgin, but he's paying tax now.

   You need people like me so you can point your finger and say thats the bad guy.

   gonna head to the freezer to warm up a bit

   The light at the end of the tunnel is still on. It's just controlled with a motion sensor to conserve enrgy!

   ..it's so cold that Britney Spears made sure she was wearing underwear before she went out.

   You know it's resolution time when someone has to stop to rest on the way up the stairs TO the gym.....

   you make me look like I need another drink

   has the heat turned up to 80 (heat included in rent)

   was just Donkey Punched

   Phoebe's rendition on my rusty trombone last night, was so moving, it bought a tear to my eye.

   ...its -4 out and snow is on it's way tomorrow...so much for this global warming they talk about...although they'll probably blame the cold on the hole in the ozone layer or cow farts...

   supports the health cares 10% tax addition to tanning.....as long as I dont have to be the one to tell the cast of Jersey Shore.

   if you're just gonna quit going to the gym in a couple weeks then please don't pack the gyms now. thanks!

   Lots of people know that when a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. What they don't know is every time a mousetrap goes off, an angel gets set on fire.

   Ran into a flasher today, but it's so cold out he handed me a picture instead!

   just pondering the fact that Jeffrey Dahmer is really the only person whose bologna really did have a first name!