Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wants you to know that if a jelly fish ever stung you, i'd pee on you!

   Friends come and Friends go... Enemies accumulate

   My wife just asked me "would you say I'm a selfish person?" My answer - "well, not to your face..."

   hinks it's quite possible that I will be as unproductive today as I was yesterday ..

   The mailman comes in any weather, because his bag is made of leather.

   My 2010 New Year's resolution is to NOT interrupt Taylor Swift if she is making an acceptance speech at a music awards ceremony.

   OK...Iraq sells oil $128 a barrel to us...Yet Iraq buys grain at $7 a bushel from us. Hmmm, solution...Sell grain at $128 a bushel. Can't buy it? Tough! Eat your oil... I'll bet ya the price of oil comes down real quick....

   I put on my favorite winter jacket for the first time the other day, and as soon as I put my hands in those pockets, I was immediately reminded that last year I didn't have any money, either.

   Scientists say they have located the gene that causes obesity. His name is Gene Milman, the founder of Krispy Kreme.

   "Wonder Bread , Fluff and Skippy" a timeless combination

   Let's see how forthcoming my FBF'S are . Leave a swear word or your favorite cuss . I know most of you have potty mouths so go for it let loose.

   read that "Tiger is ready to quit golf to save his marriage" - I'm no therapist but I am pretty sure quitting other women would be even more effective.

   Its so cold, if you suck on an ice cube it gets bigger.

   Smile and the world will smile back at you .. :D

   Every time someone takes me off their Facebook friend list an angel looses its wings.

   ..wonders what the best thing was BEFORE slice bread came along.

   loves the feeling of new socks on his feet...

   you know you are married when the sportscenter theme song excites you more then your wife's advances

   going to make his new years resolution to procrastinate more, but he is going to wait until next year

   taking the road less traveled . . . . now where am i?