Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   kissed a girl [then click "like"]

   We made Gingerbread Man cookies today, and I'm still laughing. My kids were acting out Shrek with them, and one was Lord Farquad: "I'm not the monster, you are! Now tell me where are the others!" The other was the GBM: "Eat Me!" Christmas with kids = win

   The worst feeling you'll ever feel is sitting next to the person who means the world to you knowing that you mean nothing to them ...

   Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off

   Heaven won't take me and hell's afraid I'll take over

   Just because you're corny in real life, doesn't mean you have to be corny on faceboook... It's your second chance!

   The chicken and the egg are laying in bed. The chicken  is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its  face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed. The egg mutters ‘Well I guess that answers t

   When faced with a difficult task, pass it on to a lazy person and she'll figure out an easier way to accomplish it.

   DON'T LOOK AT ME IN THAT TONE OF VOICE

   EVIL is just LIVE spelled backwards

   playing strip russian roulette! Both fun and exciting at the same time!

   the best things in life are free *does not include shipping & handling*

   When I grow up, I want to become a corrupt senator, who's single vote is worth billions in concessions for his home state. Congress--the only place in America where extortion is legal

   headed down to Jared Jeweler to get my homegirl a "special designer" ankle bracelet for her while doing her house arrest. Then I'm going to Macy's to pick her up a designer womens black/white pin strip sweater. Make her feel as if she still in the can.

   Restraining orders: Just another way to say I LOVE YOUUU...

   bases off how many people like his status to his happiness on facebook.

   Dear Sally, selling seashells on the seashore is bad salesmanship. You can just pick them up off the ground behind you.

   ......Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."

   pondering the the thought... They say Character is what you do when youre alone! I thought that was called masterba......nevermind!!!

   "Little Women" author Louisa May Alcott was diagnosed with Lupus 119 years after her death. And you thought your HMO was slow.