Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a mute kid swears,does his mother wash his hands out with soap?

   hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words

   What is a horse shoe? What does a horse shoe do? Are there any horse socks? Is anybody listening to me?

   who had the bright idea of putting an "s" in the word lisp?

   I just read a list of 'the 100 things to do before you die'. I'm pretty surprised 'yell for help' wasn't one of them...

   more then a lil surprise Mark Ingram won the Heisman Trophy, I thought Obama had it in da bag?!?!?

   Never go to bed angry. Stay up and plot your revenge.

   You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

   I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

   If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

   If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

   Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

   Brad Pitt once asked me out. I was in his room.

   What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

   Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow waist exchange places

   “There are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them

   wondering if unemployment will be sending me a christmas bonus?

   How about those White House crashers? The other day they also crashed the Black Caucus, and if you've seen then, you know that's quite a trick.

   Have you ever looked at other people and think to yourself "I'm just better than you"......welcome to my life

   Tiger woods just changed his Relationship to: "it's Complicated