Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   and they all laughed at my snuggie! who's the cold fool now?

   Why is it you can smoke in a tobacco store, but can't drink in a liquor store?

   just bought a new game for my x box, its about a black man who drives around crashing cars sleeping with hoes and fighting with people, its called tiger woods PGA tour 2010

   Beer doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean (against tables,chairs,etc).

   reportedly "in a relationship" with tiger woods.......

   Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

   wishes the government would take pennies out of circulation already. Giving you my 2 cents everytime you've said or done something stupid has left me broke. Glad you're rich though.

   pu ton your yalmulka, here comes hanukkah, it's so funukkah to celebrate hanukkah!

   got a sweater for Christmas ... he really wanted a moaner or a screamer 

   puts the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hose again.

   I have found that if you love life... life will love you back

   it's one thing for Tiger to promote Nike and the slogan "just do it," but it's another thing to live by it.

   Why is it that when I talk to God I am said to be praying, but when God talks to me I am said to be schizophrenic?

   n't it annoying when you accidentally drop something like a bread crumb into your keyboard and you have to get ighhghghghghhghghbhbhghgbhbhbggggggggggggh

   Whoever decided that a one inch Mars bar should be called 'fun size' needs to seriously re-examine their standards for entertainment.

   eff you Martha Stewart, and your sanctimonious Everyday Food magazine too! Easy to make cookies my ass!

   I make them say ahh, just like I'm your doctor.....All I prescribe is cranberry and vodka

   Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

   What I don't get is how paper beats a rock. It should be changed to Rock, Bomb With A Cuttable Fuse, Scissors.

   Yesterday, citizens of Norway woke up to a weird blue light in the sky, which the Russian Defense Ministry later claimed was due to a failed missle test. Thank goodness. I was worried it was a UFO. It's nice to know it's just a renegade Russian missle.