Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you sometimes feel a little useless, offended or depressed...always remember that YOU were once the fastest and most victorious little sperm out of millions.

   ๑۩۩๑ MY KINGDOM ๑۩۩๑

   chugging NyQuil until sugar plums really are dancing in my head..

   wonders that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.

   James Cameron's new movie "Avatar" comes out next week. People say it will be as successful as "Titanic". Not the movie. The ship.

   can't wait to watch his favourite Christmas movie, "The Christmas That Almost Wasn't Due To Santa's Urinary Tract Infection"

   Did you hear about the gay dwarf? He came out of the cupboard.

   I was born a pessimist. My blood type is B negative.

   Two goldfish in a bowl. One says to the other "If there is no God,who changes our water every week?"

   Never go to bed angry. Stay up and plot your revenge.

   singing...I owe, I owe, it's off to work I go....

   watching you having a wank

   What's on my mind? Let's peer inside and listen... "Meow, meow, meow, meow..." Wow! That was akward. 

   Unless the next one is a dude, I don't want to here any more about Tiger Woods

   wondering if blacks call it "Ask" Body Spray...

   (Tiger's Christmas Song) Oh the weather outside is frightful. Having many tramps is so delightful. Just so my hot wife don't know…text a ho, text a ho, text a ho.

   wonders when John Mellencamp will write a song about the plight of the Facebook farmer?

   I accept this Nobel Peace Prize, blah,,,blahh,,,,blahh,,,blah...blahhh.....................

   pulled last night. He approached a gorgeous girl and said "Look, I know you're in a different league to me, but! I'm willing to drop one for ya"

   Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.