Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "having a smoking section in a restaurant should b like having a peeing section in a swimming pool......." right??

   wondering why the police officers never seem to think it's as funny as you do...

   I didn't hit you....I simply high fived your face

   in Napa Valley looking for wine, but should be in the midwest, talking to Repubicans cause no one whines line a Repubilcan.

   ..really hates her boss. When I showed up 2 hours late,he shouted at me. I told him I had fallen down the stairs . He said "So? That doesn't take two hours!!"

   A survey taken showed that 50% of people described sex as a "deep,meaningful,soul-bonding act of showing eternal love to your partner". The other 50% were men.

   I have two nipples, and I aint sharing either one of 'em.

   BREAKING NEWS: Barack Obama knocked down by reversing car. The American people are asking the driver to come forward.

   loves that you are nonodys friend until facebook tell you that you are.

   can't help falling in love with you... maybe electroshock therapy will do the trick...

   in the jungle baby! and gunna dieee!

   can hit the snooze button, with eyes closed, while half asleep, in 1.7 seconds, the first try, every time

   had a handle on life, but it fell off with the wheel

   wondering who was the first to look at a cow and think;"ill just squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out of it!"

   Why is it that Volvic Mineral Water, which has been filtered through volcanic rock for millions of years, has a Best Before date?

   _̴ı̴̴̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡*̡̡ ̴̡ı̴̴̡ ̡̡͡|̲̲̲͡͡͡ ̲▫̲͡ ̲̲̲͡͡π̲̲͡͡ ̲̲͡▫̲̲͡͡ ̲|̡̡̡ ̡ ̴̡ı̴̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡

   Anyone caught singing Christmas carols between now and Thanksgiving will be slapped.

   When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

   Forget a "dislike" button , id rather have a "This makes me want to punch you in the freakin throat" button

   used to be legit. He was too legit. He was too legit to quit... but now he's not legit. He's unlegit. And for that reason, he must quit.