Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

   May 21, 2011 - The "A-crap-alypse".

   in a relationship with himself, and I think he's cheating on me... FINALLY!!!

   It seems like nothing really changes. Yet when you look back, everything is different. I must have blacked out again.

   Wow!  That's wasn't a fart... I think I just backfired! 

   Loves deleting my facebook so I can post on my facebook page that I deleted it!

   It takes two to tango and a London mob to tangle

   the worst kind of illness is the kind others do not see, or choose not to. Only when it's too late do they realize their ignorance.

   Which essential oil should I put in my butt?

   To all of the Canadians celebrating Canada Day in America this weekend ..... Your Welcome.

   Do I have to hear about these Clowns for 28 more days? O me bad make that 35 more days my math is not so good anymore.

   People up north whine way more about cold winters than we Floridians do about the hot summers. It may have something to do with feminine swimwear.

   The weather is such a slut. The wind blows everyone, the rain makes everyone wet, the sun makes everyone take their clothes off, and the snow covers everyone in white stuff.

   t's been 11 years since Michael Jackson died. I'm surprised we aren't seeing Jacko impersonators like we see Elvis impersonators.

   Me to my Doctor: Hey, Doc. Every time I drink coffee, I get a sharp pain in my eye. Doctor: Do you remember to take the spoon out of the cup?

   We cannot be a country that listens to science. Science does not make sense at all.

   Before I get drunk, I wanna wish everyone a happy father's day.

   It is said that "beauty is in the eye of the beholder." What about the other eye?

   Friends are a lot like trees they fall down when hit multiple times with an axe

   "You dirt-eating piece of slime, you scum-sucking pig, you son of a motherless goat!"