Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a prostitute gets pregnant from a client, can she call the National Accident Helpline?

   I married my wife for her good looks but not the ones she's been giving me lately.

   Guess who's not getting anything for father's day....Bruce Jenner

   Just sliced my tongue open by eating ham with a knife because I was too lazy to grab a fork.

   Gnomes Favorite Song: I'm Sexy and I Gnome It.

   Immigrants can either take Trump's "purity" test, or have the fastest time in the American Ninja obstacle course.

   She said she liked the new guy at work, so I had him fired...!

   It is gonna be awkward in the hall today when Jared runs into Sean and asks him what the holocaust Center is.

   Woke up this morning to find mets In 1st place . Then I realized my phone was upside down

   I'll never understand someone from upstate NY bragging about their food. Listen up, Schenectady, you're not NYC, you're Vermont Jr.

   I'm patiently awaiting a Chris Cornell/Chester Bennington mashup.

   Can someone please invent a screen protector for smartphones that doesn't peel up on the corners? Thank you.

   Throw a drink at Tomi Lahren? In this economy?

   . There's a book on The Cures for aches and pains by Dr. Artur Ritis

   if the "space force" ever drops a dirty bomb on Uranus, they better call it "operation taco bell"

   I wanna date a lady who has been through the worst,who has been lied to,cheated on,heart broken So that I can finish her off. 😒

   If you fart and it doesn't stink, should you be concern?

   You can trust fat people. We don't do crimes it's too much work. We just want to eat and watch the food network.

   Toilet: For the sh*t that comes out of your a$$ facebook/Twitter: For the sh*t that comes out of your brain

   Lil' Wayne Lost his Mountain Dew endorsement over "creative differences" for his Emmett Till reference in his song called "Karate Chop (remix)" ... Now remember, silence is foolish if we are wise, but wise if we are foolish.