Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard

   Don't Yuck someone else's Yum !

   Marriage tip #1 & #2: Sleeping on the couch with the dog isn't all that bad. It kind of reminds you of camping out.

   Super Bowl parties are great! (If you aren't into football.) I'm into football, so no thanks.

   After a news briefing outside the white house. trump and president Macron walked away holding hands. What's up with that

   I’m feeling great. Almost feel like I can have choke sex again

   What do you call a nun with a sex change operation....... A tran-sister

   I overheard that ABC is not cancelling Roseanne but is seamlessly going to replace Roseanne with Danny Devito

   There's no place like space. There's no place like space. There's no place like space. Oh aunty Em.

   🎵Two bros, sittin' in the hot tub, 5 feet apart 'cause they're not gay!🎵

   If it wasn't intended for you to have a midnight snack. There would not be a light in the fridge.

   I'm downtown and my prescription for my glasses just ran out...now I can't find my F#$@%^ing Car..

   At the job interview today, they asked me why I left my last job. I said, "Well, the boss asked if he could see me in his office." I said, "Only if he got fired or was transferred."

   You people that are all cleaned up with the tree out of the house need to stop showing off. The rest of us are drowning in cardboard boxes and pine needles.

   I'm still hoping Nike will one day come out with an Air Jordan belt....

   If you are one, 'stop being a procrastinator' should take precedence over all other resolutions. Starting tomorrow.

   I'm a passionate man. I like some things and love others. Example: I like coming and I love leaving.

   Its one of those «Depends» mornings.... That's where you have to pee real bad and don't want to get out of bed. But if you had «Depends» on you probably wouldnt;;;;;;;

   money talks....but all mine says is good bye

   I have a feeling that I'm gonna regret not reading youtubes notification about the new policy