Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Hillary were President, she would be all, I am sorry, I am not sorry, I am sorry, I am not sorry, I am sorry, I am not sorry, What the hell, I am PMS'n leave me the f#ck alone. . .

   Why did the blonde tip toe near the medicine cabinet? Because she didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills.

   They let Robocop keep his human mouth because eating pu$$y is a valuable crime-fighting technique.

   My wife is so fat, that she only needs a cup of water in the tub to take a bath.

   Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.

   Think you're having a bad day? I sneezed while taking a piss this morning...

   Dear Santa, To be safe I'll be staying home for Christmas, so please just drop my presents on my porch and don't bother coming down the chimney. Thanks!

   Q-Tip. A d!ldo for the ear.

   Yes! Lets recount exactly how Donald Trump won!!!!

   People think I'm not very bright because I spell cat with a k: cak.

   my yard is so white it got nominated for an Academy Award

   Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative.

   Who's your daddy takes on a whole new meaning in the ghetto.

   Bet if the block voters wore MAGA hats, they would not of had a problem registering to vote.

   Pro tip: Buy Halloween candy today. It's on sale and you get to eat it all!

   For the young folks who don't know who Nelson Mandela is, he was like the Cliff Huxtable to South Africa's Theo.

   Does anyone have like ten thousand dollars they don't want

   I bought one of those cloned (stolen form Target) credit cards on the black market and as luck would have it, I ended up buying my own.

   Twas the morning before Christmas & all across Facebook, friends awake, houses aglitter. Coffee in hand pondering this day & the things that matter.....

   I was going to post a story about how I used to love drinking gallons and gallons of iced tea in the 80's. Then I realized, no one wants to hear me complain about the freezing temperatures outside..