Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A spider the size of a golf ball is in my kitchen so I guess this is my last Sta

   The only thing worse about sneezing while going down stairs with a cup of coffee is now you got to go back up and fill er up again...

   If Prince Charming should show up, tell him I'll be at the bar waiting.

   The world will end in February and Hypercolor shirts are coming back HUGE, according to the Wikipedia article I just made up.

   The friend zone is kind of like the kiss of death

   Out of the many defining moments in a mans life, few are as significant as winning a game of NBA Jam.

   One time on Long Island I saw an all-Guido adaptation of 'Life is Beautiful' called 'Life is Freakin' Mint, Yo.'

   I can run with scissors cause I know how to roll.

   Anti-obesity ads featuring fat kids are causing controversy in Georgia. Unfortunately, none of them are forced to to the "truffle shuffle."

   "Take a breath... take it deep" ...brought to you by "Rihanna's daily health tips"

   I'n flinnie and I ripoff Tim Siedell

   I have this roomie who must go thru half a roll of toilet paper every time she uses the bathroom. I'm going broke. Some people are so @nal when it comes to wiping their a$$.

   Dictators dress to oppress.

   We live in a world where you spell world as would

   I should be ashamed of myself but I'm not ! Ok !

   I wonder if Ronald McDonald sadistically cackles as he bludgeons innocent chickens and uses clown magic to turn them into nuggets.

   Awkwardly flushing the toilet when everyone else is sleeping

   i whistle alot jus because it makes my lips look like a bunghole

   She was using them for years before she found out they were lint rollers and not for waxing your taint.

   parents are hypocritical.....your not supposed to take candy or food from strangers but what do they let you do every Halloween? not supposed to talk to strangers but every christmas they sit you on santa's lap so you can talk to him.