Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The stuff you do while you're procrastinating is what you should be doing for the rest of your life.

   Shout out to all mothers. The fathers know what they did.

   My guidance councilor had a poster in his office of a kitten hanging from a tree that said "You should probably go ahead and kill yourself."

   Nomophobia, the fear of being without a cell phone, is the most common phobia

   This girl in class just pulled out an antique camera and asked me to take her a picture.....Anyone remembers how to use those 35mm diposable camera from Walgreens? I totally forgot.. Do I wind it up left or right b4 the picture?

   I tried grilling a chicken at lunch time. "Ok, I'll ask you one more time. Why did you cross the road?"

   I've been trying to throw away this trash can for the past 2 months & the garbage men just keep leaving it on the sidewalk.

   Have you seen these gas prices?? I just filled up and it doubled the value of my car!!

   If even a fraction of you women were as slutty as you pretend to be here, there'd be a lot less men talking about what they do to socks.

   A spider the size of a golf ball is in my kitchen so I guess this is my last Sta

   The only thing worse about sneezing while going down stairs with a cup of coffee is now you got to go back up and fill er up again...

   If Prince Charming should show up, tell him I'll be at the bar waiting.

   The world will end in February and Hypercolor shirts are coming back HUGE, according to the Wikipedia article I just made up.

   The friend zone is kind of like the kiss of death

   Out of the many defining moments in a mans life, few are as significant as winning a game of NBA Jam.

   One time on Long Island I saw an all-Guido adaptation of 'Life is Beautiful' called 'Life is Freakin' Mint, Yo.'

   I can run with scissors cause I know how to roll.

   Anti-obesity ads featuring fat kids are causing controversy in Georgia. Unfortunately, none of them are forced to to the "truffle shuffle."

   "Take a breath... take it deep" ...brought to you by "Rihanna's daily health tips"

   I'n flinnie and I ripoff Tim Siedell