Funny Status Messages
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New Year, New Beginnings, New Me, New Attitude, New Bullsht............watch out I'm New and Improved...... 
I'm looking forward to seeing my life flash before my eyes when I die. If only to know what I did in the 90s.
Am I the only one that found irony in Walmart having a whites sale this week?
wondering where Noah kept the woodpeckers on the ark
SHUT COMPUTER DOWN... go outside... AND MEET SOMEONE!
If I was an apple product, the name for me would be "iPlease"
If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.
and (number) other friends doesn't need to change their profile pictures.
Escalators never break down, they just turn into stairs
Has a theory: If grocery stores just paint the cart returns with handicap blue and build it out of curbing. Then everyone would put their buggies there!
STARVING!!!! I'm so damn hungry that the Food Channel would look like Porn!!!!
If someone showed me Black Eye Peas AMA performance back in 1990 and said this is what music is going to look like in 20 years I think I would of barfed.
If you take off your clothes during a spat and you're a woman you're gonna get laid but if you'r e a man you're gonna get kicked in the balls...
Apparently, the Pope says that condoms 'make things worse' in regards to the AIDS epidemic. The day I take sex advice from an 82-year-old virgin, is the same day I take parenting advice from Kate and Gerry McCann.
You've really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can't reach it.
Newt Gingrich wins Georgia. To be fair, it was a pie-eating contest.
What if , one day you randomly wake up as a baby and realize that you're whole life was just a dream.
This drug sniffing dog was a great investment! He already found 2 bags of weed I thought I had lost!
This guy in line at store had breath so bad his teeth turned sideways just to let it out.
Shoutout to all the girls that can't update their status because they told some guy they tired...& going to bed. 